My final post

It has been a long time since my last update and part of the reason is just how difficult it is to put into writing how we have been doing.  Getting through Christmas, the one year anniversary of Rob's death, the day of his funeral, and then his birthday all within one month was very difficult. Plus just before Christmas a good friend of mine in Ontario died.  It proved to be a very emotional December and January and my thoughts were all over the place.

The hole Rob left in our hearts will never go away, however I find myself in a different place than I was even a few months ago.  I miss my man so much and wonder/imagine what life would be like if he didn't get sick and he was still with us.  We still talk about him all the time and recall memories or comment on things he would be doing or love.  That all being said I don't find myself in the deep pit of sadness every day.  Sure I have days and moments where life seems too much and I can't bear to think of another moment without Rob but those moments are less now then they used to be.  Isaac and I are able to have fun and do things together making new memories.  It does often leave me feeling guilty that I am not always thinking about Rob and that I will forget him but I have to remind myself that I will never forget him and that he would want Isaac and I to be happy. 

Isaac is doing well.  He will always miss his dad and certainly his reaction to things are different then a normal 6 year old because he has gone through so much in his short life.  That being said he is learning how to better deal with his emotions.  A lot of the time he just needs that feeling of being safe and when he isn't with me he needs that reassurance from the people around him.  I am so thankful that he is very verbal and is able to communicate how he is feeling for the most part.

At the start of April I made a major life change by getting a new job.  I felt it was time for a change and had been thinking about and praying for direction of what I should do next.  Years ago Rob and talked about one day when he was a teacher, that I would become an Education Assistant so we could have the summers off together.  It took me a while to realize but one Sunday morning it dawned on my that this was what I should do now.  I was able to take a weekend training course in February and that was all the training I needed for the career change. God answered my prayer in His timing and so perfectly.  I was able to get a half time position working in Isaac's school and it is the perfect fit right now.  I hope to eventually get a full day position but for now it is great and I am really enjoying the job.  I am actually working in the same school division as Rob did and I can't help but think how proud of me he would be for making this change and that he would be laughing about it!

Three years ago we started this blog to update our family and friends on medical things.  It quickly changed to updating the details of Rob's treatment to also updating on how we were coping and how God was carrying us through.  In the letter Rob left for me to have after he died he wrote how he really wanted his story to bring glory to God.  He often told me if one person decided to follow Jesus after hearing his story that his suffering was worth it.  Choosing to follow Jesus doesn't mean that life will be easy, in fact I know many Christians who have had very hard lives.  The difference is knowing where you go after you die and always having the reassurance of heaven.  It also means that in the hard times in life, and the good times too, God is listening to your prayers and He cares deeply.  If you are reading this and you don't have a relationship with Jesus I challenge you to get to know Him.  Find a bible and spend some time reading about God, pray, go to church, talk to someone who is a Christian and if you don't know someone who is a Christian you know me and I would love to hear from you.  One day we will be in heaven with Jesus and reunited with Rob (what a glorious day to think about!) and I pray that all of you are there too.

After much prayer and thought I have decided that this will be my last blog.  I am at a point where writing an update is harder for me and there is no longer medical stuff to update on.  I feel that the purpose of the blog has been reached.  As I sit here I am overwhelmed with thanks for each of you who have journeyed with us.  Rob and I were always blown away by the support we received.  So from the bottom of my heart thank you for all you have done for us.  The prayers, visits, encouragement, hugs, meals, gifts, financial help, help with Isaac, love and support and everything else you have done for us.  You helped to carry us through such a difficult time. I feel like I could never thank you each enough.  I ask that even though there won't be blog updates that you continue to pray for Isaac and I and our families as we continue to face each day without Rob.  

When we started the blog we prayed about what verse would be our key verse and we chose....

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body will rest secure, because you will not abandon me. Psalm 16:9-10

Praise God that He has not abandoned us.  Rob is in heaven pain free and praising God in his presence and that is why we can face such a trial and put our trust in Jesus.

Love Karen

A gift from God.

A few weeks ago I got an email saying that the memory bench Rob's family and I had requested was installed and ready for us to see.  We had decided to have a bench placed at Bird's Hill Provincial Park, a place that Rob loved and we went frequently as a family.  That day after school Isaac and I had a little time before we had to be somewhere so we hoped in the car and drove out to Birds Hill Provincial Park.  We arrived just as it was getting dark and pulled into a deserted parking lot.  As I pulled towards the end of the lot I saw 2 deer sticking their heads out from right behind the bench.  Isaac and I jumped out of the car to get a little closer and to our surprise they didn't run away!  As we walked up to Rob's bench to check it out the snow was lightly falling in huge flakes, the deer were standing close by and there were chickadees flying all over the place.  It was magical!  I was crying tears of sadness but also tears of joy.  Rob would love that place and to be surrounded by such beauty in nature and animals just blew me away.  The mother deer was about an arms length away from us just looking.  Isaac and I both feel like our time there was a gift from God and that He sent the deer there to remind us that He is with us and Rob is good and happy in heaven.  In fact as we got into the car the deer ran off into the bush so we were the only ones to see them.  I am so thankful for that short time we had there and will never forget the experience.  The bench is currently being fixed because the plaque was cracked however next time you are at Birds Hill take a moment to stop by the White-Tailed Deer Trail (right across from Pineridge Hollow) and Rob's bench is at the edge of the parking lot.  We hope it is a place our family can go and remember Rob and that others can do the same.

With Christmas approaching quickly I have been experiencing many emotions and so has Isaac.  This is our first Christmas without Rob which is hard enough but I am also dealing with reliving the events of last year.  Plus the 1 year anniversary of Rob's death is January 4th so it is a lot to handle right now.  Isaac and I both have our share of emotional breakdowns, infact just yesterday after school something triggered a memory for Isaac and I found him sobbing, curled up in a ball in his bed.  It breaks my heart but I also know the memories and tears are good to work through.  Christmas this year feels so different to me.  We will still celebrate Christmas by remembering Jesus' birthday.  We will still spend time with family and friends.  We will still exchange gifts.  We even still listen to Christmas music.  But the joy of Christmas and the traditions that come with it feel far away this year.    Last year Rob was with us but Christmas morning he woke up and something was different and to be honest it was not a great day.  This year I am trying to make new memories with Isaac, and to let him have an awesome Christmas.  

Please pray for us as we celebrate Christmas and then as we reach the one year mark.  There is something so big about saying we survived the first year without Rob but there is also something so terrifying about the reality that he has been gone for a year.  We miss him so much and not a day goes by that we don't feel his absence.  Pray for Isaac as he is still learning to deal with his emotions and as a 6 year old that is a big job and that he would always feel loved and safe.  Pray for me that I have the strength to do what I need to do each day, that I lean on Jesus to carry me, that I feel his presence in the moments when I feel lonely, and that God would give me joy and hope to continue to live for Him.  

Love, Karen

Blessed are those who are sad, for they will be comforted.

Have you ever had a dream that you are standing there and no one knows you are there and things are just happening around you.  You try to be a part of what is going on around you but you just can't keep up and when you try to talk there are no noises are coming out of your mouth.  In a sense this is how I feel in real life.  Not that I feel like I am not heard but that life is happening so fast around me and I just can't keep up.  School has started and the new season has begun and every one around me is getting back to their "normal" routine and I can't even wrap my head around what "normal" is for us.  Yes Isaac started school, I started back at work and we will get involved in some activities but it isn't a natural flow.  Something just feels not right because the way I imagined life for us was that Rob would be here until we were old.  He would be here to take first day of school pictures with Isaac until he graduated.  We would look forward and plan our life.  We would celebrate the milestones together.  Instead I am without Rob and it feels like my life has stopped moving forward and everyone around me is running ahead.

I would be lying if I told you things have gotten easier in fact I would probably say they have gotten worst in the last little while.  Since the middle of August I have been wanting to write a blog post to update our faithful prayers warriors and friends but I have been at a loss of what to say.  How do I describe how we are feeling or what life is like for us?  We miss Rob so much it is hard to describe.  He has left an enormous hole in our lives.  We continue to do things that Rob would love and talk about him and the memories but sometimes even the simplest thing triggers a waterfall of tears.

It is hard to believe that summer went by so quickly.  This summer for us was full of mixed emotions.  We kept ourselves busy but the void of Rob was evident no matter what we were doing.  Since I wasn't back at work this summer we went to Ontario July 6-31.  This is the longest trip we have ever taken to Ontario and while it was good to be there coming home felt good too.  One might think that being in our house where Rob lived would be the toughest but in fact it is not.  Sure we miss him a lot when we are at home.  I specifically miss him the most after Isaac is in bed and I am alone.  However being in our home is comforting and knowing that this was where Rob was is actually a comfort.  We still have all the same pictures up and haven't made any big changes so it is familiar and that is good. Now back to our trip to Ontario.  During our 3 1/2 weeks there we were able to see many family and friends, spend a week at family camp at Joy Bible Camp (the camp I grew up going to and worked at) with my parents and some friends, spend a few nights in Muskoka, and did lots of fun activities.  Usually when we are there we like to keep busy and fill our days which is good but exhausting for that long.  While we were there it would have been Rob and my 10th wedding anniversary.  Occasions like this come with much anticipation.  This was one of those special events that really just impacted me.  I mentioned to Isaac what that day was but of course he just said Oh and kept going along with his day.  We spent the days with our friends the Butlers at a water park and then in the evening Sarah and I and a few girlfriends went out for a girls night.  At this point it is another first that is done and it didn't pass without tears but that is ok too.  This summer we also did our first camping trip in our tent with some friends at Clear Lake.  It was emotional preparing for this because I have never organized and packed the camping gear as that was always Rob's job and we got stuck in the worst hail storm I have even seen but once we got there and got set up we were able to have a good time and focus on the good memories with Rob camping and making some new ones.  We also spent a weekend in Pinawa with friends, another place we frequently went with Rob.  Even though Rob's absence is bigger when we do things we used to do with him there is a comfort in knowing he had been there with us.

Another highlight of the summer we the Rob Scott Memorial Disc Golf Tournament.  This was organized by a guy named Jeff who is part of the disc golf community here and it was a great success.  A temporary course was set up at Fraser Grove Park (they didn't know this but Rob and I always talked about having a course there) and a good group a players came out to enjoy the perfect weather and a new course.  Many of the people there knew who Rob was and had even played disc golf with him over the years.  I was able to share a little about who Rob was and his love for disc golf plus I was able to share about him faith in Jesus.  Isaac got to throw the opening disc to start it off and he loved that. I hope this can become an annual event.  I said over and over again that day how amazing Rob would have thought it was and how humbled he would have been.

The summer ended with a visit from my mom and Isaac's 6th birthday.  Before Rob died a friend had suggested that he write some birthday cards for Isaac to have when he wasn't here.  The morning of Isaac's birthday I sat down on the couch with him and gave him a card that daddy had written for him.  It was so cool to have a card with daddy's handwriting and words and something Isaac will always remember.  What he doesn't know is that I have cards from Rob until he is 12!

Isaac is in school full days this year so this is another big change for us.  He is in a grade 1/2 split class this year which is good for him academically but emotionally it has been hard being with the older kids.  He is starting to settle into more of a routine now but it was a very rough start.  His teacher has been so wonderful working with me to help him feel safe at school.  One of his concerns about school was being away from me when he was sad and missing daddy.  His teacher, the guidance counsellor and I have been working with him and encouraging him that school is a safe place and it is ok to be sad there sometimes.  Isaac is displaying typical signs of grief in a child which is no surprise but hard to help him sometimes.  Isaac is a very dramatic kid and is either all in or not interested at all.  We have always really seen how much of a perfectionist he is (which he gets from Rob!) and if he can't do his work perfectly he wants to quit.  These things can all be good things but it also causes him frustration and he is very sensitive.  He has even voiced that no one at school knows what it is like to not have a daddy.  Pray for him as he adjusts to all these changes and missing Rob but not always knowing how to articulate what is feels.  And pray for me as I parent him and help him through his grief while I am grieving myself.

With Isaac in school full time I have started back at work.  I am working 3 days a week and only have one day that I need help with Isaac, which Rob's parents are gladly helping out with.  I would say I am feeling the same about work as Isaac is about grade one.  It has been good to get back into a job that I love and to get out of the house however I am still very much grieving and I never quite know what each day will look like.  I am thankful for my work and that they have allowed me the time off to grieve up to this point.  It has been good for me to have something outside of the house to do but I am having a hard time keeping up with stuff at home.  I am praying that as I settle in and get into a routine this get easier and I can handle everything that needs to be done.

The other day in the car one of Rob's favourite songs came on by Matthew West.  It is called Strong Enough and it rung true for Rob while he fought cancer and now it rings true for me.  Here are the lyrics...

You must

You must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me

Forgive me if I'm wrong

But this looks like more than I can do

On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be

everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up

I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now I'm asking you to be

Strong enough

Strong enough

For the both of us

Well, maybe

Maybe that's the point

To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally

Finally at rock bottom

Well, that's when I start looking up

And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be

Everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up

I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now I'm asking you to be

Strong enough

Strong enough

Cause I'm broken

Down to nothing

But I'm still holding on to the one thing

You are God

and you are strong

When I am weak

I can do all things

Through Christ who gives me strength

And I don't have to be

Strong enough

Strong enough

This is exactly how I feel!  Sometimes I wonder if God thought that I would be better at this or that He thinks I can carry this heavy burden of grief.  This song says it perfectly though.  I am not meant to do this on my own.  In fact it is impossible for me to find joy and happiness without God helping me through.  God does not promise this will be easy but he does promise he will always be with me.  Last night Isaac and I read a section of Matthew together.  After we were done we went back to verse 4 which says, "Blessed are those who are sad, for they will be comforted."  I was able to show Isaac (and remind myself) that being sad is ok but we are never alone and God promises us that.  

So I ask that as your life goes along at it normal pace that you would keep us in your prayers.  We are comforted knowing Rob is in heaven and it no longer suffering but now the suffering has been passed on to those who have been left behind.  I cannot express in words how much I miss Rob and I struggle often to keep stepping forward but I know I have to even if it is tiny baby steps.  Grief is so much harder than I ever imagined but I hold onto the hope that one day we were all be in the glorious presence of God together!

Love Karen

There is Hope!

The last few weeks I have been feeling sorry for myself.  Feeling like this isn't fair and that I had such a wonderful husband so why did he have to get sick and die?  Or even having to do "man" jobs around the house just wishing that Rob was here to help.  I think that for me to have moments of feeling like this is ok, however getting stuck feeling sorry for myself is not a good place to be.  You see I think that we compare ourselves to the people around us and feel sorry for ourselves.  We want to have a "normal" life....but really what is normal? If we look beyond ourselves all of the sudden we realize we don't have it that bad.  So many people in this world who have so much are so focused on what they don't have instead of what they do have.  I may not have Rob anymore but I do have Isaac.  I have family and friends.  I have good health and a safe place to sleep and food to eat.  I also have the reassurance that Rob is in heaven and not everyone who loses a loved one has that either.  I am not saying we should never grieve what we are missing or dream of things we don't have (trust me I don my fair share of grieving) but if that is all we look to we put ourselves in a bad place.  I know that losing the love of my life sucks a lot and the pain and sadness is too much to bear sometimes.  I also know that I have so much to be thankful for and that is where I need to make sure I focus on most of the time.  When I look at Isaac and the gift that he is to me and that I have that physical piece of Rob with me because Isaac is half him makes me so thankful that God blessed us with a healthy child.  My challenge to myself and all of you is to look at the blessings you have and instead of feeling sorry for yourself say thank you for what you have.

On another much happier note Isaac became a Christian just over a month ago.  Rob and I often talked to him about it and I continue to but we never wanted to push it.  I am not even sure how it came up but we talked on the way to soccer and he asked me some pretty deep questions.  That evening at bed time we talked again and I asked him what being a Christian means.  He was able to tell me that he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart, ask for forgiveness for his sins and that he wanted to follow Jesus for the rest of his life. We said a prayer together and he made a clear choice.  Some people might think he isn't old enough to understand but ask him and he knows.  It was so cool to be able to tell him that when someone becomes a Christian we know the angels in heaven rejoice and that Daddy would know too!  Rob is so thrilled! Rob's desire was to share his faith and love with Jesus to those around him including his own son.  What an amazing thing to know that one day the 3 of us will be reunited in heaven!

I have been thinking lately a lot about what it means to leave a legacy and what legacy Rob has left.  I am blown away by the impact Rob's life has had on those around us and am touched by the gestures being done in remembrance of him.  It was actually getting hard to keep track of everything so I made myself a list so that I wouldn't ever forget.  From people running and biking in his honour, to a friend using his name as his baby's middle name, to a football award at the school he worked and coached at being given in his honour, and a disc golf tournament being planned for this summer called the Rob Scott Memorial Tournament where I get to share about Rob's life and faith, and that is only a few.  Rob was a quiet and humble guy who would have never tried to "have his name in lights" however he would feel so honoured that people are remembering him this way and that his story and his faith in Jesus is being shared.  We often talked about, and he journaled many times about using his story to share Jesus and that if the reason for his pain and suffering helped one person it was worth it.  I know without a doubt that he has left an incredible legacy and that people have been encouraged by his life.

There other day someone at church said to me I looked happy which was nice to see.  She very quickly though said she knows that it is still very hard.  That is exactly what grief is like.  There are times when I am happy and I feel joy and can enjoy many things and I know this is what Rob would want for me.  There are also moments of extreme sadness when thinking about anything beyond that moment is so overwhelming.  I have been told that when you are dealing with grief properly it is a journey of ups and downs.  If I was always "happy" and putting on a smiling face that would be avoiding grief.  However if I was always sad and crying that wouldn't be good either.  The journey is constantly changing and I know I just have to keep moving forward with all the ups and downs. Lamentations 3:20-24 sums it up perfectly,

I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.  I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!".

That is why I am able to smile even during the hardest time in my life...there is Hope!

Love Karen

Hope in Heaven.

Since Rob went to be with Jesus there are many things about heaven that I didn't worry about before that now I find I need to know the answers.  I have always known that because I have a personal relationship with Jesus and asked for forgiveness of my sins that I will one day be in heaven.  I know that heaven is so much more amazing than earth and that we sometimes get a glimpse of the glory of heaven but nothing on earth compares to it.  I know that the followers of Jesus will spend eternity there and that our time here on earth is a moment compared to the time we will be there.  I know that there is no pain, sadness or sickness.  All of these things give me great comfort in knowing where Rob is and how he is doing.  He is healed!  He is pain free!  He is praising Jesus!  He is at home with his Saviour!  I praise Jesus for all of these things. But what does that mean for Isaac and I here, today.  We know one day we will be with him.  I pray everyday for Isaac to know Jesus and to follow him so that one day we will all be together again. However right now we are living here on earth without Rob and it can be so unbearable.  I find myself wondering about Rob but never worrying about him.  It is Isaac and I and the people left behind that I worry about.  I was sharing some of my worries with a friend and she leant me a book by Randy Alcorn called Heaven.  I have had it sitting in my house for a few weeks but yesterday picked it up and skipped ahead to the part about relationships.  I know that when we are in heaven things that matter now won't matter there but there are somethings that will help me get through today and help me to be able to step forward from here.  One thing I often wonder about is will we know our friends and family in heaven? Will Rob and I still be married in heaven?  Will he know who I am when I get there?  I think these things feel important to me now because I miss him so much.  I know he doesn't feel the sadness that I do but I want him to long to be with Isaac and I the way we do.  In the little bit I have read so far I recommend this book if Heaven is something you wonder about.  Randy Alcorn explains a lot about relationships and how God created us to be in relationship with Him and also those around us.  When we get to heaven we won't be married in the earthly sense but Rob and I will know each other and be even closer then we were when we were together here on earth.  It also talks a lot about other questions I have and wonder about using the bible directly to answer them.  Being the one left here on earth is definitely the harder place to be but we have God's promises in the bible and I need to cling to those.

The weather is finally warming up here and with that means lots of trips to the park.  The other week a whole bunch of our friends and their kids met at a park close by.  It was a really good time and the weather was perfect and no mosquitos yet.  I was enjoying my time with the girls when I almost felt myself "check out" of the conversation.  I found myself stepping away from the group and just looking around.  As good as it was to be there, the absence of Rob was so obvious to me.  A couple of his friends were throwing a football back and forth and as I watched them all I could think about was that Rob would have loved it that night.  When Isaac and I got home he got ready for bed and as he crawled in to his bed he started crying.  This was not just a few tears it was full fledged sobbing.  This was the first time he had been that upset for that long.  He shared with me how he felt and some fears he had.  We cried together and cuddled as we talked about Daddy and how much we miss him.  After about 30 minutes of uncontrollable tears he was able to settle down.  We prayed and he was able to fall asleep.  The next morning I asked him if he was feeling any better and he said, "Yep, lets not cry again like we did last night cause that was exhausting!".  I am so glad that Isaac is open with me and shares how he is feeling even if it is hard for me to deal with my own emotions sometimes.  Please continue to pray for Isaac and that as he misses his Daddy he would be able to talk about it and that he would truly understand that he can rely on God for strength and trust Him with everything.

Once again I struggle with (which is probably why I had a hard time updating the blog) the question of how we are doing.  This question is so hard for me to answer.  It is not grouped into weeks, days, or even hours but rather moments. Some moments we are remembering Rob and smiling at the memories.  Some moments we are making new memories even while the thought of Rob is never far.  Some moments we are so heart broken and all we can do is cry.  I never imagined missing Rob would be this hard.  For Isaac and I every moment of our day and night are different then before.  We are so thankful that we have no doubt where Rob is and that he is pain free and praising Jesus but that doesn't take away the pain of missing him.  At this point we just take it moment by moment and with the support of friends and family we ride whatever waves are coming our way.  Isaac misses his daddy but tells me often we don't need to be sad because daddy is with Jesus.  We don't know what the future looks like for us and planning feels like a frightening thing but today we are here and we will make the best of it even between the tears.  

I have talked before about the Never Alone Foundation and their support of cancer patients and their families.  Through the foundation Rob and I and our dads were able to see a Winnipeg Bluebomber game last August and then in November the sent Rob and I to the Grey Cup!  In March they came through again for us and sent us to Fargo for 2 nights over Isaac's spring break.  We were join by a friend of mine and her daughter and had a super fun time away.  We basically did the exact same trip (same hotel, same restaurants, same activities) as the trip we did with Rob 2 years before.  It was fun to be there and talk about the fun stuff that we had done there with Daddy while we also made some new memories of our own.  Thank you to the Never Alone Foundation for giving us the time away!  

1 Peter 1:6-8 says, "So be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine.  It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.  So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honour on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."  We are not told that our lives will be easy and being a Christian does not mean that you get a free pass of an easy life but it doesn't end there.  1Peter reminds us that although we will face trials and sadness we have hope in heaven and eternity with Jesus in heaven makes it all worth it.  Sometimes the only way to get through the day is to not just think about life here on earth but to focus on the hope in the future we have if we know Jesus. 

Love Karen

The reality of grief.

Over the last few weeks I have been thinking about doing an update to let you know how we are doing but to be honest that seemed like an overwhelming task.  As expected, I get asked the question: "how are you doing?" on a regular basis, and it is a hard question to answer.  In fact often the answer changes minute to minute. On any given day I find I have moments where I feel like I am strong and can do this.  I have other moments when I feel like I cannot do this at all and just want to give up.  And then I have moments with everything in between.  I will say that grief and losing my husband, best friend and partner in life is way harder then I ever imagined it would be.  Also even though I am surrounded by family and friends the loneliness and the hole in my heart is unbearable.  I know God will carry me through this but it is so hard.  Even though time is passing (March 4th will mark 2 months since Rob went to heaven) the grief almost seems to be getting harder.  

Isaac could use some extra prayer right now as well.  He is processing that Rob is gone pretty well and is very articulate with his emotions.  He regularly tells me he is not sad that Daddy died because he was very sick and is in heaven now and is all better.  He also watched his Dad get sicker and sicker and even though he is only 5 he understands pain and sickness better then the average kid.  Based on his behaviour I know there is more emotions in him that he likely doesn't even realize and can't explain causing him to not behave the best.  He always has been a very emotional kid who wears his feelings on his sleeve but right now he is more angry and small things set him off.  As a single parent this is very hard plus I am dealing with my own emotions so my parenting is not as great as it should be.  Please pray for me as I help him walk through this as well as Isaac to be able to understand and be able to articulate his feelings and learn to deal with the emotions.  

Grief can be very very lonely.  This is not because no one else is grieving Rob or missing Rob but it is because his relationship is different with other people.  I am grieving Rob's life as his wife and the mother of his son and I am the only one who had this relationship.  Mine and Isaac's every moment is different then it was before. Each day we wake up and every moment of the day looks different then it did a few months ago or a few years ago.  For so long I cared for Rob while he was sick and everything we did I had to make sure he was comfortable, not in pain, able to eat, having fun, etc. and now I don't have to do this.  I still find myself naturally looking to make sure there is food he could eat or if he would be comfortable and I know one day I will no longer do that but right now it is still a habit.  I also was so used to being on call 24/7 that even if I was out and someone else was with Rob my cell phone had to be on loud and I would check it constantly.  This is also something I still do out of habit.  It's these little things that remind me of the absence of Rob and causes me to think about and miss him with everything I do.  Over the last while Isaac and I were able to take a trip to Alberta to see some friends and get away.  Then we headed to Ontario to see my friends and family, many of whom I hadn't seen since last March.  These trips were something Rob and I talked about us doing once he was gone and they were for sure a good distraction.  Now Isaac and I are home in Winnipeg, our out-of-town guests are gone, and it is just the 2 of us.  This is when the dust settles and we try to figure out the new "normal".  Pray for us as we go through this time.  It is so comforting being in our home where Rob was and where so many memories are.  On the flip side, seeing his things every where can be hard.  I have gone through a few of his things but I don't want to do it too quickly and get rid of something I will wish later I have kept.  Each morning I wake up and wonder how I will get through the day and how many tears there will be.  I am told it will get easier in time but right now it is very very hard.  

We have been trying to do fun things and even though there are lots of tears Isaac and I are still able to laugh.  We enjoy times at home just playing and having fun.  One of my favourite things to do with him is tickle him.  His laugh always made Rob smile even during the hardest days!  While we were in Alberta we celebrated Rob's birthday.  With it being less then 3 weeks after he passed away I wanted to make it a day to celebrate rather then mourn.  Our friends we stayed with in Calgary drove us out to Banff for the day so that we could spend the day in the mountains.  Rob loved the mountains and during our trip to BC last June we often talked about how the mountains feel closer to heaven.  As we celebrated Rob on his birthday we were able to do it somewhere he loved that is a little closer to heaven.  

Celebrating Rob's birthday in the mountains.

Another question I get asked often is about work so I thought I would just give an update with that.  At this point I am not ready to go back to work.  I am not stable enough and know that I would not be able to do my job well.  I have been in contact with my boss and will keep in touch with her and play it by ear.  Obviously for financial reason I will need to work again but for now I need to focus on figuring out life and making sure Isaac feels safe and loved.

I have been blown away by the generosity of many of you by giving to the trust fund, car fund or just sending us help with our everyday needs.  Money cannot fix anything however having the help means the world to me.  Again I wish I could take the time to thank everyone but for now this will have to do.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your gifts, cards, meals, offers of help, financial help, love and prayers.  I am told over and over how amazing my support system is.  This is something that I know I am blessed with (and Rob knew too and incredibly grateful) and that not everyone has.  God is using you to help me so thank you.  

Rob and I often listened to a song by Kutless that is often on the Christian radio station.  The words really hit home to us and I can't keep my eyes dry when I hear it now.  Here are  the lyrics.....

Even If-Kutless

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Some people might say that God didn't answer our prayers for healing and Rob went to heaven instead.  I don't believe this is the case and neither did Rob.  I would often pray for healing specifically here on earth.  This did not happen the way I asked however Rob was healed.  He might not have been given a long life on earth and we most definitely believe it was cut too short and would want more time with him.  That being said he is healed and I praise Jesus for that.  Rob left an incredible legacy and now he is whole and pain free with his Saviour.  One day I will see him again and I long for that day!  For now I am here, apart from him, but here to share his story.  He was healed and is in heaven now.  Just a few days before he died I asked him that if one person became a Christian after hearing his story would it be worth it and he said yes without hesitation.  My prayer for you is that you would know Jesus and have a personal relationship with him so that one day you too will be in heaven.
Love Karen

Trust Account Information

Today the trust account opening was finalized at Bank of Montreal.  If you had previously given a cheque to Isaac’s trust fund, it has been cashed today.  For those of you who have been asking how to make a contribution, you can now make a deposit at any local Bank of Montreal branch.  You will need to provide the account details which are as follows

Account Name:                 The Isaac William Scott Trust

Transit:                        0003

Account:                     8972-665

 Please let me know if you have any questions or problems.

Thank you so much for supporting our family in this way.  

Love Karen and Isaac