One of my favourite verses has always been Psalm 37:23-24 which says, "The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." The past week I feel like God is not only holding my hand but that I am hanging onto Him with both hands and am scared to let go. We have been at this whole chemo thing for 11 weeks now and I find myself getting tired and weary. I have moments when I feel so overwhelmed that I doubt I can go on. Watching Rob suffer is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. One thing I have never wanted to do is pretend like everything is fine and put on a face. That doesn't mean that when I smile I am faking it, because amongst the suffering there is still joy. What it does mean is that some days I find it harder to face our reality and I hate the situation we are in. It is in those moments I cling to God and beg him to hear our prayers. We know that God loves us and wants the best for us. He "delights in every detail of our lives" and He is not delighting that Rob is sick but he delights in how we lean on Him and share His word and serve Him even while going through something that is terribly difficult. My prayer is for healing, strength to face this, peace, hope and that in our reality God would be glorified and our fight would be an example of God's faithfulness and love.
As I sit here and type Rob is beside me getting his treatment (we are in Round 4 week 2). They say that Chemo has a cumulative effect and I would say that some things are starting to get worse. The nausea during week one continues to be managed quite well with anti nausea drugs so we are thankful for that. Rob does struggle with a lack of appetite during week one. Week 2 he gets mouth sores which makes eating and enjoying food very difficult. Not to mention that the drug he receives every week gives him a terrible rash all over his body. He continues to have good days and bad days and we are never totally sure when they will occur. Sometimes it helps to get out of the house and do something and other days it seems daunting to leave the comfort of home.
We find one things that helps is continuing to dream and plan. We talk about what we would do when we are retired and dream of buying an RV and seeing more of this beautiful country. Usually a conversation like this ends with me telling Rob that he needs to stick around so we can do this together! We dream of going on a family vacation once chemo is done. We dream about watching Isaac grow up and who will teach him to drive! We dream and plan because it feels good and because no one knows how many days any of us have. I just pray that some of these dreams and plans can become a reality.
I have had a number of people ask me about work. A few weeks ago Rob and I talked about what it would look like if I went back to work. But then the following week was a hard week and being at work would have been impossible. I have now reached the end of my sick days but we feel that it is still important for me to be at home. I am needed there to look after both Isaac and Rob. Although making money is important looking after my family is more important! The plan is to reassess once Isaac starts school in September.
Isaac is doing well. He took some swimming lessons a few weeks ago and passed 2 levels in one. Last week he attended VBS at our church and loved every minute. He even memorized his first bible verse! He is also getting very excited to start Kindergarten in September!! We know it is hard on him having a Daddy who is sick but he prays for Daddy every day and enjoys time with him when he feels good enough to play Hotwheels or Lego! Pray that we have patience and love for him even when we are tired and dealing with our own emotions. Sometimes parenting during a sickness is one of the most difficult things.
I have said this before but I feel like I need to say it again....Thank you! Last week I was thinking about all of the people I should write thank you cards to but then I get overwhelmed by the task. Forgive me if I have not thanked you but know that all the prayers, visits, phone calls, cards, financial gifts, meals and encouragement is appreciated so much. We could not do this without the community we have around us. So a huge thank you to all of you from the bottom of our hearts.
Each day we wake up and face the day and not knowing what lies ahead but knowing that we have today and we should make the best of it.
Love Karen
