The last few weeks I have been feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like this isn't fair and that I had such a wonderful husband so why did he have to get sick and die? Or even having to do "man" jobs around the house just wishing that Rob was here to help. I think that for me to have moments of feeling like this is ok, however getting stuck feeling sorry for myself is not a good place to be. You see I think that we compare ourselves to the people around us and feel sorry for ourselves. We want to have a "normal" life....but really what is normal? If we look beyond ourselves all of the sudden we realize we don't have it that bad. So many people in this world who have so much are so focused on what they don't have instead of what they do have. I may not have Rob anymore but I do have Isaac. I have family and friends. I have good health and a safe place to sleep and food to eat. I also have the reassurance that Rob is in heaven and not everyone who loses a loved one has that either. I am not saying we should never grieve what we are missing or dream of things we don't have (trust me I don my fair share of grieving) but if that is all we look to we put ourselves in a bad place. I know that losing the love of my life sucks a lot and the pain and sadness is too much to bear sometimes. I also know that I have so much to be thankful for and that is where I need to make sure I focus on most of the time. When I look at Isaac and the gift that he is to me and that I have that physical piece of Rob with me because Isaac is half him makes me so thankful that God blessed us with a healthy child. My challenge to myself and all of you is to look at the blessings you have and instead of feeling sorry for yourself say thank you for what you have.
On another much happier note Isaac became a Christian just over a month ago. Rob and I often talked to him about it and I continue to but we never wanted to push it. I am not even sure how it came up but we talked on the way to soccer and he asked me some pretty deep questions. That evening at bed time we talked again and I asked him what being a Christian means. He was able to tell me that he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart, ask for forgiveness for his sins and that he wanted to follow Jesus for the rest of his life. We said a prayer together and he made a clear choice. Some people might think he isn't old enough to understand but ask him and he knows. It was so cool to be able to tell him that when someone becomes a Christian we know the angels in heaven rejoice and that Daddy would know too! Rob is so thrilled! Rob's desire was to share his faith and love with Jesus to those around him including his own son. What an amazing thing to know that one day the 3 of us will be reunited in heaven!
I have been thinking lately a lot about what it means to leave a legacy and what legacy Rob has left. I am blown away by the impact Rob's life has had on those around us and am touched by the gestures being done in remembrance of him. It was actually getting hard to keep track of everything so I made myself a list so that I wouldn't ever forget. From people running and biking in his honour, to a friend using his name as his baby's middle name, to a football award at the school he worked and coached at being given in his honour, and a disc golf tournament being planned for this summer called the Rob Scott Memorial Tournament where I get to share about Rob's life and faith, and that is only a few. Rob was a quiet and humble guy who would have never tried to "have his name in lights" however he would feel so honoured that people are remembering him this way and that his story and his faith in Jesus is being shared. We often talked about, and he journaled many times about using his story to share Jesus and that if the reason for his pain and suffering helped one person it was worth it. I know without a doubt that he has left an incredible legacy and that people have been encouraged by his life.
There other day someone at church said to me I looked happy which was nice to see. She very quickly though said she knows that it is still very hard. That is exactly what grief is like. There are times when I am happy and I feel joy and can enjoy many things and I know this is what Rob would want for me. There are also moments of extreme sadness when thinking about anything beyond that moment is so overwhelming. I have been told that when you are dealing with grief properly it is a journey of ups and downs. If I was always "happy" and putting on a smiling face that would be avoiding grief. However if I was always sad and crying that wouldn't be good either. The journey is constantly changing and I know I just have to keep moving forward with all the ups and downs. Lamentations 3:20-24 sums it up perfectly,
I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!".
That is why I am able to smile even during the hardest time in my life...there is Hope!
Love Karen
