Over the last few weeks I have been thinking about doing an update to let you know how we are doing but to be honest that seemed like an overwhelming task. As expected, I get asked the question: "how are you doing?" on a regular basis, and it is a hard question to answer. In fact often the answer changes minute to minute. On any given day I find I have moments where I feel like I am strong and can do this. I have other moments when I feel like I cannot do this at all and just want to give up. And then I have moments with everything in between. I will say that grief and losing my husband, best friend and partner in life is way harder then I ever imagined it would be. Also even though I am surrounded by family and friends the loneliness and the hole in my heart is unbearable. I know God will carry me through this but it is so hard. Even though time is passing (March 4th will mark 2 months since Rob went to heaven) the grief almost seems to be getting harder.
Isaac could use some extra prayer right now as well. He is processing that Rob is gone pretty well and is very articulate with his emotions. He regularly tells me he is not sad that Daddy died because he was very sick and is in heaven now and is all better. He also watched his Dad get sicker and sicker and even though he is only 5 he understands pain and sickness better then the average kid. Based on his behaviour I know there is more emotions in him that he likely doesn't even realize and can't explain causing him to not behave the best. He always has been a very emotional kid who wears his feelings on his sleeve but right now he is more angry and small things set him off. As a single parent this is very hard plus I am dealing with my own emotions so my parenting is not as great as it should be. Please pray for me as I help him walk through this as well as Isaac to be able to understand and be able to articulate his feelings and learn to deal with the emotions.
Grief can be very very lonely. This is not because no one else is grieving Rob or missing Rob but it is because his relationship is different with other people. I am grieving Rob's life as his wife and the mother of his son and I am the only one who had this relationship. Mine and Isaac's every moment is different then it was before. Each day we wake up and every moment of the day looks different then it did a few months ago or a few years ago. For so long I cared for Rob while he was sick and everything we did I had to make sure he was comfortable, not in pain, able to eat, having fun, etc. and now I don't have to do this. I still find myself naturally looking to make sure there is food he could eat or if he would be comfortable and I know one day I will no longer do that but right now it is still a habit. I also was so used to being on call 24/7 that even if I was out and someone else was with Rob my cell phone had to be on loud and I would check it constantly. This is also something I still do out of habit. It's these little things that remind me of the absence of Rob and causes me to think about and miss him with everything I do. Over the last while Isaac and I were able to take a trip to Alberta to see some friends and get away. Then we headed to Ontario to see my friends and family, many of whom I hadn't seen since last March. These trips were something Rob and I talked about us doing once he was gone and they were for sure a good distraction. Now Isaac and I are home in Winnipeg, our out-of-town guests are gone, and it is just the 2 of us. This is when the dust settles and we try to figure out the new "normal". Pray for us as we go through this time. It is so comforting being in our home where Rob was and where so many memories are. On the flip side, seeing his things every where can be hard. I have gone through a few of his things but I don't want to do it too quickly and get rid of something I will wish later I have kept. Each morning I wake up and wonder how I will get through the day and how many tears there will be. I am told it will get easier in time but right now it is very very hard.
We have been trying to do fun things and even though there are lots of tears Isaac and I are still able to laugh. We enjoy times at home just playing and having fun. One of my favourite things to do with him is tickle him. His laugh always made Rob smile even during the hardest days! While we were in Alberta we celebrated Rob's birthday. With it being less then 3 weeks after he passed away I wanted to make it a day to celebrate rather then mourn. Our friends we stayed with in Calgary drove us out to Banff for the day so that we could spend the day in the mountains. Rob loved the mountains and during our trip to BC last June we often talked about how the mountains feel closer to heaven. As we celebrated Rob on his birthday we were able to do it somewhere he loved that is a little closer to heaven.
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| Celebrating Rob's birthday in the mountains. |
Another question I get asked often is about work so I thought I would just give an update with that. At this point I am not ready to go back to work. I am not stable enough and know that I would not be able to do my job well. I have been in contact with my boss and will keep in touch with her and play it by ear. Obviously for financial reason I will need to work again but for now I need to focus on figuring out life and making sure Isaac feels safe and loved.
I have been blown away by the generosity of many of you by giving to the trust fund, car fund or just sending us help with our everyday needs. Money cannot fix anything however having the help means the world to me. Again I wish I could take the time to thank everyone but for now this will have to do. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your gifts, cards, meals, offers of help, financial help, love and prayers. I am told over and over how amazing my support system is. This is something that I know I am blessed with (and Rob knew too and incredibly grateful) and that not everyone has. God is using you to help me so thank you.
Rob and I often listened to a song by Kutless that is often on the Christian radio station. The words really hit home to us and I can't keep my eyes dry when I hear it now. Here are the lyrics.....
Even If-Kutless
Sometimes all we have to hold on toIs what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are
You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise
You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come
Some people might say that God didn't answer our prayers for healing and Rob went to heaven instead. I don't believe this is the case and neither did Rob. I would often pray for healing specifically here on earth. This did not happen the way I asked however Rob was healed. He might not have been given a long life on earth and we most definitely believe it was cut too short and would want more time with him. That being said he is healed and I praise Jesus for that. Rob left an incredible legacy and now he is whole and pain free with his Saviour. One day I will see him again and I long for that day! For now I am here, apart from him, but here to share his story. He was healed and is in heaven now. Just a few days before he died I asked him that if one person became a Christian after hearing his story would it be worth it and he said yes without hesitation. My prayer for you is that you would know Jesus and have a personal relationship with him so that one day you too will be in heaven.
Love Karen
