Have you ever had a dream that you are standing there and no one knows you are there and things are just happening around you. You try to be a part of what is going on around you but you just can't keep up and when you try to talk there are no noises are coming out of your mouth. In a sense this is how I feel in real life. Not that I feel like I am not heard but that life is happening so fast around me and I just can't keep up. School has started and the new season has begun and every one around me is getting back to their "normal" routine and I can't even wrap my head around what "normal" is for us. Yes Isaac started school, I started back at work and we will get involved in some activities but it isn't a natural flow. Something just feels not right because the way I imagined life for us was that Rob would be here until we were old. He would be here to take first day of school pictures with Isaac until he graduated. We would look forward and plan our life. We would celebrate the milestones together. Instead I am without Rob and it feels like my life has stopped moving forward and everyone around me is running ahead.
I would be lying if I told you things have gotten easier in fact I would probably say they have gotten worst in the last little while. Since the middle of August I have been wanting to write a blog post to update our faithful prayers warriors and friends but I have been at a loss of what to say. How do I describe how we are feeling or what life is like for us? We miss Rob so much it is hard to describe. He has left an enormous hole in our lives. We continue to do things that Rob would love and talk about him and the memories but sometimes even the simplest thing triggers a waterfall of tears.
It is hard to believe that summer went by so quickly. This summer for us was full of mixed emotions. We kept ourselves busy but the void of Rob was evident no matter what we were doing. Since I wasn't back at work this summer we went to Ontario July 6-31. This is the longest trip we have ever taken to Ontario and while it was good to be there coming home felt good too. One might think that being in our house where Rob lived would be the toughest but in fact it is not. Sure we miss him a lot when we are at home. I specifically miss him the most after Isaac is in bed and I am alone. However being in our home is comforting and knowing that this was where Rob was is actually a comfort. We still have all the same pictures up and haven't made any big changes so it is familiar and that is good. Now back to our trip to Ontario. During our 3 1/2 weeks there we were able to see many family and friends, spend a week at family camp at Joy Bible Camp (the camp I grew up going to and worked at) with my parents and some friends, spend a few nights in Muskoka, and did lots of fun activities. Usually when we are there we like to keep busy and fill our days which is good but exhausting for that long. While we were there it would have been Rob and my 10th wedding anniversary. Occasions like this come with much anticipation. This was one of those special events that really just impacted me. I mentioned to Isaac what that day was but of course he just said Oh and kept going along with his day. We spent the days with our friends the Butlers at a water park and then in the evening Sarah and I and a few girlfriends went out for a girls night. At this point it is another first that is done and it didn't pass without tears but that is ok too. This summer we also did our first camping trip in our tent with some friends at Clear Lake. It was emotional preparing for this because I have never organized and packed the camping gear as that was always Rob's job and we got stuck in the worst hail storm I have even seen but once we got there and got set up we were able to have a good time and focus on the good memories with Rob camping and making some new ones. We also spent a weekend in Pinawa with friends, another place we frequently went with Rob. Even though Rob's absence is bigger when we do things we used to do with him there is a comfort in knowing he had been there with us.
Another highlight of the summer we the Rob Scott Memorial Disc Golf Tournament. This was organized by a guy named Jeff who is part of the disc golf community here and it was a great success. A temporary course was set up at Fraser Grove Park (they didn't know this but Rob and I always talked about having a course there) and a good group a players came out to enjoy the perfect weather and a new course. Many of the people there knew who Rob was and had even played disc golf with him over the years. I was able to share a little about who Rob was and his love for disc golf plus I was able to share about him faith in Jesus. Isaac got to throw the opening disc to start it off and he loved that. I hope this can become an annual event. I said over and over again that day how amazing Rob would have thought it was and how humbled he would have been.
The summer ended with a visit from my mom and Isaac's 6th birthday. Before Rob died a friend had suggested that he write some birthday cards for Isaac to have when he wasn't here. The morning of Isaac's birthday I sat down on the couch with him and gave him a card that daddy had written for him. It was so cool to have a card with daddy's handwriting and words and something Isaac will always remember. What he doesn't know is that I have cards from Rob until he is 12!
Isaac is in school full days this year so this is another big change for us. He is in a grade 1/2 split class this year which is good for him academically but emotionally it has been hard being with the older kids. He is starting to settle into more of a routine now but it was a very rough start. His teacher has been so wonderful working with me to help him feel safe at school. One of his concerns about school was being away from me when he was sad and missing daddy. His teacher, the guidance counsellor and I have been working with him and encouraging him that school is a safe place and it is ok to be sad there sometimes. Isaac is displaying typical signs of grief in a child which is no surprise but hard to help him sometimes. Isaac is a very dramatic kid and is either all in or not interested at all. We have always really seen how much of a perfectionist he is (which he gets from Rob!) and if he can't do his work perfectly he wants to quit. These things can all be good things but it also causes him frustration and he is very sensitive. He has even voiced that no one at school knows what it is like to not have a daddy. Pray for him as he adjusts to all these changes and missing Rob but not always knowing how to articulate what is feels. And pray for me as I parent him and help him through his grief while I am grieving myself.
With Isaac in school full time I have started back at work. I am working 3 days a week and only have one day that I need help with Isaac, which Rob's parents are gladly helping out with. I would say I am feeling the same about work as Isaac is about grade one. It has been good to get back into a job that I love and to get out of the house however I am still very much grieving and I never quite know what each day will look like. I am thankful for my work and that they have allowed me the time off to grieve up to this point. It has been good for me to have something outside of the house to do but I am having a hard time keeping up with stuff at home. I am praying that as I settle in and get into a routine this get easier and I can handle everything that needs to be done.
The other day in the car one of Rob's favourite songs came on by Matthew West. It is called Strong Enough and it rung true for Rob while he fought cancer and now it rings true for me. Here are the lyrics...
I would be lying if I told you things have gotten easier in fact I would probably say they have gotten worst in the last little while. Since the middle of August I have been wanting to write a blog post to update our faithful prayers warriors and friends but I have been at a loss of what to say. How do I describe how we are feeling or what life is like for us? We miss Rob so much it is hard to describe. He has left an enormous hole in our lives. We continue to do things that Rob would love and talk about him and the memories but sometimes even the simplest thing triggers a waterfall of tears.
It is hard to believe that summer went by so quickly. This summer for us was full of mixed emotions. We kept ourselves busy but the void of Rob was evident no matter what we were doing. Since I wasn't back at work this summer we went to Ontario July 6-31. This is the longest trip we have ever taken to Ontario and while it was good to be there coming home felt good too. One might think that being in our house where Rob lived would be the toughest but in fact it is not. Sure we miss him a lot when we are at home. I specifically miss him the most after Isaac is in bed and I am alone. However being in our home is comforting and knowing that this was where Rob was is actually a comfort. We still have all the same pictures up and haven't made any big changes so it is familiar and that is good. Now back to our trip to Ontario. During our 3 1/2 weeks there we were able to see many family and friends, spend a week at family camp at Joy Bible Camp (the camp I grew up going to and worked at) with my parents and some friends, spend a few nights in Muskoka, and did lots of fun activities. Usually when we are there we like to keep busy and fill our days which is good but exhausting for that long. While we were there it would have been Rob and my 10th wedding anniversary. Occasions like this come with much anticipation. This was one of those special events that really just impacted me. I mentioned to Isaac what that day was but of course he just said Oh and kept going along with his day. We spent the days with our friends the Butlers at a water park and then in the evening Sarah and I and a few girlfriends went out for a girls night. At this point it is another first that is done and it didn't pass without tears but that is ok too. This summer we also did our first camping trip in our tent with some friends at Clear Lake. It was emotional preparing for this because I have never organized and packed the camping gear as that was always Rob's job and we got stuck in the worst hail storm I have even seen but once we got there and got set up we were able to have a good time and focus on the good memories with Rob camping and making some new ones. We also spent a weekend in Pinawa with friends, another place we frequently went with Rob. Even though Rob's absence is bigger when we do things we used to do with him there is a comfort in knowing he had been there with us.
Another highlight of the summer we the Rob Scott Memorial Disc Golf Tournament. This was organized by a guy named Jeff who is part of the disc golf community here and it was a great success. A temporary course was set up at Fraser Grove Park (they didn't know this but Rob and I always talked about having a course there) and a good group a players came out to enjoy the perfect weather and a new course. Many of the people there knew who Rob was and had even played disc golf with him over the years. I was able to share a little about who Rob was and his love for disc golf plus I was able to share about him faith in Jesus. Isaac got to throw the opening disc to start it off and he loved that. I hope this can become an annual event. I said over and over again that day how amazing Rob would have thought it was and how humbled he would have been.
The summer ended with a visit from my mom and Isaac's 6th birthday. Before Rob died a friend had suggested that he write some birthday cards for Isaac to have when he wasn't here. The morning of Isaac's birthday I sat down on the couch with him and gave him a card that daddy had written for him. It was so cool to have a card with daddy's handwriting and words and something Isaac will always remember. What he doesn't know is that I have cards from Rob until he is 12!
Isaac is in school full days this year so this is another big change for us. He is in a grade 1/2 split class this year which is good for him academically but emotionally it has been hard being with the older kids. He is starting to settle into more of a routine now but it was a very rough start. His teacher has been so wonderful working with me to help him feel safe at school. One of his concerns about school was being away from me when he was sad and missing daddy. His teacher, the guidance counsellor and I have been working with him and encouraging him that school is a safe place and it is ok to be sad there sometimes. Isaac is displaying typical signs of grief in a child which is no surprise but hard to help him sometimes. Isaac is a very dramatic kid and is either all in or not interested at all. We have always really seen how much of a perfectionist he is (which he gets from Rob!) and if he can't do his work perfectly he wants to quit. These things can all be good things but it also causes him frustration and he is very sensitive. He has even voiced that no one at school knows what it is like to not have a daddy. Pray for him as he adjusts to all these changes and missing Rob but not always knowing how to articulate what is feels. And pray for me as I parent him and help him through his grief while I am grieving myself.
With Isaac in school full time I have started back at work. I am working 3 days a week and only have one day that I need help with Isaac, which Rob's parents are gladly helping out with. I would say I am feeling the same about work as Isaac is about grade one. It has been good to get back into a job that I love and to get out of the house however I am still very much grieving and I never quite know what each day will look like. I am thankful for my work and that they have allowed me the time off to grieve up to this point. It has been good for me to have something outside of the house to do but I am having a hard time keeping up with stuff at home. I am praying that as I settle in and get into a routine this get easier and I can handle everything that needs to be done.
The other day in the car one of Rob's favourite songs came on by Matthew West. It is called Strong Enough and it rung true for Rob while he fought cancer and now it rings true for me. Here are the lyrics...
You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
This is exactly how I feel! Sometimes I wonder if God thought that I would be better at this or that He thinks I can carry this heavy burden of grief. This song says it perfectly though. I am not meant to do this on my own. In fact it is impossible for me to find joy and happiness without God helping me through. God does not promise this will be easy but he does promise he will always be with me. Last night Isaac and I read a section of Matthew together. After we were done we went back to verse 4 which says, "Blessed are those who are sad, for they will be comforted." I was able to show Isaac (and remind myself) that being sad is ok but we are never alone and God promises us that.
So I ask that as your life goes along at it normal pace that you would keep us in your prayers. We are comforted knowing Rob is in heaven and it no longer suffering but now the suffering has been passed on to those who have been left behind. I cannot express in words how much I miss Rob and I struggle often to keep stepping forward but I know I have to even if it is tiny baby steps. Grief is so much harder than I ever imagined but I hold onto the hope that one day we were all be in the glorious presence of God together!
Love Karen
